I’m pretty sure the people at the Dunkin Donuts near my office hate me. I rarely order the same thing twice and often make sure to order the most absurd things on the menu (I still haven’t tried the meat munchkins). But after testing the fates last year with the Captain America Tri-Cup Coolata, I’ve been reluctant to eat or drink much of anything from Dunkin. Well, until they decided to pair up with Men in Black 3 instead of The Avengers.
As a kid, we had the first Men in Black on VHS and I’m pretty sure I watched that tape into oblivion. We very rarely every got videos since my mom said we only watched the same ones over and over again, but that seems to be a self fulfilling issue. So while I have no interest in seeing Men in Black 3, I can’t say no to new donuts.
What I should have done though was say no to the new “Black Cocoa Crème Iced Coffee.” I don’t like Dunkin’s coffee; I think it tastes too metallic like their coffee filter is actually just a bunch of pennies. So when I ordered the new drink, I was left very confused. Almost confused as the cashier as when I ordered it.
To really get the feel of the drink, I initially ordered it without any cream or milk. Being a void of light, this black concoction looked like C’thulhu’s soul. It was even more striking in comparison to my compatriot’s regular coffee with cream and sugar. The taste definitely gave the vibe of Oreos, but the consistency without cream made it even more unsettling. Things shouldn’t taste creamy when they have the consistency of water! But the flavor wasn’t awful, in fact, I would argue the combination of cookies and cream and coffee would make for an excellent ice cream (Get on that Cryomancer).
So I grabbed some half and half from the fridge and splashed it in. It definitely helps the consistency match the flavor, but there is still an oddly artificial aftertaste. Also, if you don’t drink quickly, the chocolate settles to the bottom resembling wet dust.
To pair with my coffee concoction, I picked up the two promotional donuts – Undercover Black Cocoa Donut and Chocolate Lunarmax Donut! I hope you like chocolate and aren’t diabetic because this meal contained an even 1000 calories (half a day of questing!), 80 grams of sugar (about a third of a cup) and 48 grams of fat! I feel sick and I ate these over a week ago.
The Undercover Black Cocoa Donut isn’t exactly hiding from anyone. In fact, the star shape makes it stand out even more, but I figure Dunkin Donuts wants to make the most of their star-shaped donut technology. But this one reminds me of a Boston Cream Donut, with two changes. The donut is the standard yeast donut they serve.
First, the top is sprinkled with white confectionery stars. They add some extra texture, but the bright white allows them to get “dirty” from the chocolate frosting which hurts their appearance. But this is fast food, let’s not kid ourselves here. Inside the donut is a brownie batter butter crème that kicks your teeth right out of your skull with sweetness. The crème has a gritty consistency thanks to all the sugar, but when combined with the stars, you’re left with a donut that actually feels different.
The second donut tosses around the word Lunarmax, but I don’t think it’s a real word (and Microsoft Word agrees with me for once). This donut is a scam because it’s just a chocolate glazed donut barely drizzled with chocolate syrup and haphazardly topped with those stars again! Did they run out of ideas that quickly? We’re talking about a license that is about agents fighting aliens and the best idea to get to stores is a chocolate glazed donut with sprinkles?
I’ve got to hand it to Dunkin Donuts, at least this time I’m not disgusted by their themed offerings. In fact, I think that makes these the perfect tie-in for Men in Black 3: irrelevant and poorly executed.