Mixologist’s Review: Dunkin Donuts Captain America the First Avenger Tri-Cup Coolatta

After the glowing responses of the Frozen Hot Chocolate and MTN Dew Coolatta, I decided to take one in the taste buds by returning to Dunkin Donuts after discovering their were teaming up with Captain America. Toss in that it’s almost the 4th of July and I’m left questioning what it means to be an American.

I went all-out and ordered what I’m calling the Captain America Meal – a First Avengers Tri-Cup, a Captain America donut and a Stars and Stripes donut. It’s a sickening display that I can’t even bear to finish.

The First Avenger Tri-Cup is a three flavored Coolatta segmented by an oddly designed cup that reminds me of those multiple color pens I had in grade school. The concept is that each color stays pure and pristine in its own segment, but the harsh reality quickly means any movement will cause color and flavor muddling.

The cup, besides being oddly designed, features three different decals of Captain America on it. One section shows off a battered and worn shield that is so enlarged two of the rings around it are missing. The next is Chris Evans looking upwards at something while clutching the shield with an awkward backdrop of the exact same shield behind him. It’s like Dunkin Donuts only paid for three pieces of clip art and didn’t know what else to do. The final section is Captain America staring straight at me with an unblinking gaze, constantly judging me for even considering buying such an abomination. It’s like he knows I’m going to be making a mistake, but is powerless to stop me.

Since this is the First Avenger Tri-Cup, only three colors of Coolatta are allowed: red, white and blue. It’s dumbly patriotic and I worry how many people will be guzzling these down during the holiday weekend. The red flavor is the new “Cherry” flavor that can only be described as sickeningly sweet. Like someone liquefied red Jolly Ranchers and was unable to figure out what else to add, so they just added more sugar. It’s a flavor where after a few sips; I wanted nothing more to do with it.

Blue frozen treats are a classic, whether it be Slush Puppies or Icees (I’m well verse in slush-based concoctions) so it’s no surprise that the flavor is intended to be Blue Raspberry. Yeah, that flavor still makes no sense but something needed to be turned blue so we could use the dye. Once again, it tastes like liquid candy but it reminds of me Sweet Tarts. Well, Sweet Tarts that have somehow been dissolved in pure sugar so it is both overly sweet and overly tart. I’m almost impressed that such a repulsive flavor could be crafted by someone other than the Nazis.

Instead of flavoring the last section something like coconut to keep with the fruit flavors, Dunkin Donuts went crazy and decided to toss in Vanilla. The closest comparisons with this flavor I can muster are somewhere between meringue and canned vanilla frosting. The syrupy consistency quickly settles out of the ice, leaving an exceptionally dense drink that is barely stomachable.

In the name of science and fighting Nazis on Cap’s behalf, I tried each flavor in different combinations. Cherry and Vanilla seemed repulsed by one another and partially separated leaving a film that might be “real fruit.” Cherry and Raspberry turn a nice purple with a weird taste that is the most tolerable. The sweet and sour somewhat balance out, but it’s still nothing I would want to consume ever again. The Raspberry and Vanilla seem to hate one another and result in a concoction that separates with a film that coats your mouth in a disgusting way.

So with that, there was only one flavor left to try: all three at once. The resulting appearance is one that resembles blue mold growing on top of purple slush. The flavor is a mishmash of colors that result in a gross drink that leaves my stomach begging for me to stop punishing it.

The cup itself holds 24 ounces with each third being exactly one cup worth of Coolatta. Amazingly, this doesn’t contain nearly as much sugar and calories as the Frozen Hot Chocolate but there are still THREE-QUARTERS OF A CUP. Seriously, go into your kitchen and look at how much sugar that is.

But what is most appalling about this drink is the price. My receipt says it was $5.68! Toss in two donuts and you’re left with a “meal” that is EIGHT DOLLARS. The cup is an interesting novelty, but not $3 interesting. This Captain America the First Avenger Tri-Cup Coolatta is a waste of money.

Dunkin Donuts lists the nutrition facts as:

Calories 420
Calories from fat 25
3 grams of fat 5%
2 grams of saturated fat 10%
0 grams of trans fat
10 mg of cholesterol 3%
95 mg of sodium 4%
100 grams of total carbs 33%
0 grams of fiber
96 grams of sugar
1 gram of protein

Vitamin A 2% – Vitamin C 0% – Calcium 6% – Iron 0%

INGREDIENTS: Frozen Neutral Base [Water, Neutral Base (Sugar, Glucose, Fructose, Silicon Dioxide, Malic Acid, Xanthan Gum)], Vanilla Bean Syrup [Sugar, Sweetened Condensed Skim Milk, Water, Corn Syrup, Natural and Artificial Flavor, Potassium Sorbate (Preservative), Salt], Sour Cherry Coolatta Concentrate [Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Citric Acid, Natural and Artificial Flavor, Xanthan Gum, Artificial Colors (Red 40 and Blue 1), Sodium Benzoate and Potassium Sorbate (Preservatives)], Blue Raspberry Coolatta Concentrate [Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Citric Acid, Natural and Artificial Flavor, Xanthan Gum, Blue 1, Sodium Benzoate and Potassium Sorbate (Preservatives)], Light Cream [Milk, Cream, Disodium Phosphate (Stabilizer), Sodium Citrate (Stabilizer)].