Mixologist’s Review: Dunkin Donuts Mountain Dew Coolatta

“Do the Dew”, the marketing has told us since time immemorial. I’ve been drinking Mountain Dew since I was vey little and still have no idea exactly what that means. 

From middle  school to college, it is likely that I consumed more Mountain Dew than any other food or beverage, and still the answer eludes me. From extensive research, it seems that the answer lies somewhere between defending the world against alien invasion and trying to snowboard off of everything, I mean all things.

To the people at Dunkin Donuts, “Doing the Dew” involves adding yet another flavor to their Coolatta line-up, just in time for the sweltering heat of summer. With the Burberry building in New York reading 139 degrees last week (I’m certain it was just broken) it seemed as good a time as any to try one out. Plus, it couldn’t be worse than that frozen hot chocolate concoction, right? 

After placing my order I decided to watch them make it, just to see what wizardry went into making the drink. First they pour some sort of Mountain Dew colored liquid from a blank carton into a cup. Next they add in some ice and place it into a machine which shakes it all up and slushifies (technical term) it. That is it.

The question is what the hell is in that carton? Is it Mountain Dew? If so, why isn’t it carbonated? Maybe the bubbles interfere with the slush process. Also, if it is, then why use a non-descript carton the guy seemingly pulled out of nowhere? There were 20 oz bottles of the stuff right next to me, I could have handed him one. Mysterious drink in hand, the challenge became getting back to my apartment before it melted in the heat. Correction, before it finished melting in the heat.

You see, one would likely predict that a Mountain Dew Coolatta looks and tastes exactly like one of those frozen Cokes you can buy at the movie theatre. Unfortunately this is not the case. It more closely resembles one of those Coke beverages if you had let it sit around for awhile and begin to melt. It does look like Mountain Dew though, which is to say it has that same fluorescent yellow-green color that if you didn’t know any better, you’d swear was radioactive.

The taste though is not really like the namesake soda at all. Well, that’s not true, you certainly would understand why they call the flavor Mountain Dew, though I’m not sure if any blind taste tests would bear that out. It was a bit watered down and by the end of it, I already began to forget that I had anything to drink in the first place. It reminded me more of those freezer pops you can buy for like $2 a box, the ones that the cool parents used to bring us after soccer games. Drinking it made me want one of those, so I promptly stopped and bought a box. Considering the Coolatta runs just over $4, I’d say the better bargain lies in those little plastic sleeves in the back of the ice-cream aisle.

The other lingering issues lies in how much caffeine is in this drink. The ingredients (see below) bear out that indeed the magical stimulant is present, but it doesn’t seem its nearly as much as in a normal can of soda. Other than for taste, the reason you’re grabbing a Mountain Dew is because you want that energy and jolt, any card carrying LAN party goer will tell you that. Dunkin Donuts seems to have removed half the equation and thus, half the reason to consider drinking it.

Overall, there isn’t a reason to drink this. If “Doing the Dew” does somehow involve this drink, well then the people over at Pepsi need to consider finding more things to snowboard off of, or maybe try to incite an invasion by the Skrulls , because this stuff isn’t working. You’re better off buying a few actual Mountain Dews, placing them in the freezer, and then pouring the resultant icy beverage into a cup of your choosing. Less expensive, and at least you know its actually soda in that cup.

Nutritional Facts from Dunkin Donuts

Calories 200
Calories from Fat 0
Total Fat (g) 0
Saturated Fat (g) 0
Cholesterol (mg) 0
Sodium (mg) 65
Total Carbs (g) 52
Dietary Fiber (g) 0
Sugars (g) 50
Protein (g) 0

Vitamin A 0% – Vitamin C 0% – Calcium 0% – Iron 0%

CONTAINS ALLERGENS: Milk, Soy

INGREDIENTS:Frozen Neutral Base [Water, Neutral Base (Sugar, Glucose, Fructose, Silicon Dioxide, Malic Acid, Xanthan Gum)], Mountain Dew Coolatta Concentrate [Treated Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Orange Juice Concentrate, Sodium Hexametaphosphate (to protect flavor), Xanthan Gum, Ethyl Alcohol, Natural and Artificial Flavor, Caffeine, Sodium Benzoate (preserves freshness), Gum Arabic, Sodium Citrate, Glycerol Ester of Rosin, Calcium Disodium EDTA (to protect flavor), Erythorbic Acid (preserves freshness), Yellow 5, Brominated Vegetable Oil].